life'd so hard forgot to be sparkly

one things for sure and it’s that i know less now than i did at 14, 15, 16. i guess life is just one big cyclical dunning kruger effect… i think i have this problem where if i cant do something or if im not satisfied with how something is going in my life, i push it all inward. im super angry at myself, all the time, honestly. im mad i cant seem to write for my life anymore, i cant seem to remember any of the facts that used to be ingrained in my brain, and i cant concentrate on problem solving anymore. things fly in one ear and out another. its not a new development either; it feels like ive been living in this state of confusion for so long, even though realistically, it cant have been that long.

i think whats missing from my life is realness. real work, real people, real life. im beginning to find less and less of a purpose in the things i do, which results in me not just feeling but being more hollow than ever before… if i really think about it, the last time i was truly happy for a sustained period of time was back at SSP, and it was because i felt fulfilled as all hell. working on things i loved, being with people i loved, feeling loved. every morning i woke up so happy to be alive and so free and so unstressed.

honestly i hope the experiences yet to come will shine light on my days back at ssp.. and it’s not passive, either. im happy to have at least been accepted to a community that i know i will really enjoy being a part of and is probably pretty close to SSP! and so at least i know i should be surrounded by good people come the end of all this. the next order of business is my work. i need to figure out what gives me fulfillment in the actual work i do. i suspect it doesnt matter as much as i think it does, and its just the people im surrounded by that’ll make the difference.

out of my life right now, theres some drastic changes to be made. if you’re reading this, youre someone i really, really, truly want to be with me throughout the next chapter of my life and beyond. you should know that, whatever remodeling i do and how i probe around to find fulfillment, somewhere in the late nights and the stressed mornings ill be thinking of you and ill be sure to put you first when it comes down to it. at tn same time i cant keep living in this stage of disorientation and feeling lost all the time.. especially because i know how good life feels when its not like this. and things aren’t going to change if i sit around wandering in the fog — so its time to get up and move!!!

im lucky enough to be with people i love right now, but the fog is still here—when im isolated, like maybe when im hanging out outside of school, the fog lifts a little and i feel super happy. im still the same me who can’t remember for her life and who struggles with the things she used to find easy, but its no longer all inward. i find it easy to forgive and see things for how they truly are. but school comes around and i spend some time at home and it all comes crashing down

as great as my parents are and how they take care of me all the time, i do need to spend time away from them to find myself. home seems to be counterproductive to my growth. i think its just because place is important and i always fall into old patterns based on place.

i do find comfort in old routines, though, occasionally! sometimes old habits become endearing. i have picked at my face since forever and really don’t see that going away soon even though it’s horrible for my skin and hygiene.. if there’s a scab i must pick it and if there’s dirt under my nails i must get it out. all these little things that make me me. how can i be someone who can be loved? i think a lot about the legacy ill leave on the world and my relationship with my mortality, as im sure many people consider, and if ill be happy at the end of it all if i do this or if i do this, and how people will remember all these little trivial things about me that summed up equal me. i tell myself its ok to not make a bang, but i can’t help but think theres got to be something more to life that im missing. i think its just fulfillment. i hope that at the end of it all i can finally learn to be truly, truly happy with myself.

i feel like actually now that im realizing it, all the best parts of my life have come from me loving myself! it’s not even about the place anymore, it’s just how i feel about myself. and good people, good work just help me feel good about myself therefore i feel happy. honestly all we ever want is to be loved. is my purpose to love and be loved? perhaps! i spend so much time thinking about myself maybe just so i can be someone who can be loved. i argue with my alexa, i procrastinate cleaning the shower drain, im late to first period all the time, i used to shave with scissors! but i also speed on the roads just to feel something sometimes and like nuking my relationships so i can feel safe and strong. those are ugly parts of me that im changing… but are still a part of me nonetheless. is it even possible to be loved despite all these quirks i have… i feel very down and about.

well whatever. i need to get out of bed and i need to realize revelations don’t come from me bed rotting and head aching trying to put the world into words. just because i don’t reach a conclusion doesnt mean im stupid; the joy is in struggling, trying, and ever-reaching toward the conclusion! im learning to pick myself up! onwards!!!!